There’s a woman who writes crazy letters to the Spokesman every week. She writes on yellow steno notebook paper and folds each page vertically down the center line (hotdog-style, as we might have said in elementary school). She signs each page and it’s unclear where the letter begins and ends. She writes terrible things about her family (I found her father’s 1998 obituary in the archives) and Jimmy Carter and the whole things is tremendously paranoid and beautiful. We’d like to get her help, but we can’t track down any contact information for her. This is this week’s letter, minus last names of people who are apparently real. If you read it through a few times you start to think you can decode what it all means.

Elaine wanted to be on the side that is winning.

Nine Jews in Tel Aviv and five Jews in Los Angeles planned the Sept. 11, 2001 attack against the U.S. Pentagon.

Flossie wanted to butcher all of the pretty girls.

Elaine wanted to get rid of the students that got better grades at Shadle Park High School.

The Congress on Racial Equality is communist.

I think that Jews want to use atomic weapons on Europe.

They really want to fight with the other children.

Can they export Mission Macaroni to China, Japan, Taiwan, the Phillipines.

Dr. V.C. tried to murder twelve people.

Dr. A.B. tried to murder five people.

Four people in the Washington State Department of Social and Health Services want to murder the mentally ill. Shades of Nazi Germany.

Executive privilege does not include theft or stealing ideas from other people.

Not fit for Christian society.

Paul was guilty of eight counts of perversion of justice.

Mary wanted to sacrifice girls that she envied.

Paul tried to sabotage seven national defence things. He was socialist.

Dr. B. wanted to attack four people.

Paul lied about me.

Robert Wagner tried to cheapen other women to make Natalie Wood look good.

The Department of “Social Services” was trying to get rid of “sick” people – a holdover from 1933 when Adolph Hitler came to power in Germany.

Jews wanted to wage genocide against the Europeans.

Judith is guilty of five counts of attempted murder.

Roberta is guilty of four counts of attempted murder.

Robert Wagner was trying to get people to get rid of rivals of Jill St. John.

Elaine wanted to feel that she was superior to other people. She was undesirable.

Elaine did not like anyone when she was in high school.

People trying to murder me – Betty, Clint, Sandra, Elva, Elaine, Judith, Roberta, Sally, Barbara, Louise,

Judith wanted to be loved by other people.

Elaine wanted to take everything that was mine.

Jimmy Carter wanted to murder five political rivals. Carter tried to rape me when I was in Hawaii in 1976. He was out for my blood. “The blood is the life” – Old Testament of the Bible. Hawaii was not his territory.

B.B., Rho Beta, North Central High School, 1960, wanted to get rid of anyone who did not contribute to the Viet Nam War Memorial at Riverfront Park, Spokane.

Elaine wanted to get rid of all of those U.S. troops in Viet Nam because they did not want her.

Dr. B was part of a communist plot to get rid of old families.

A.C. wanted sex with thirteen patients.

They wanted to get rid of Christian spiritual life.

It was a communist plot to take everything.

Flossie was trying to silence a witness.

Elaine was jealous of eight girls.

Jimmy Carter’s family wanted to get rid of five families that came out west.

They wanted to get rid of everyone that looked that good.